Staying at Home Doesn't Make me a Door Mat

Published on August 15, 2004 By JillUser In Marital Issues

It is a strange thing to deal with and I think a lot of people think I'm not aware of their opinion of me but I can tell a lot of people think I am subservient because I am a home maker. My husband and I agreed quite openly that if I am to stay home full time that I am to take care of pretty much everything around the house. Most people simply can't understand that.

I think a lot of my friends are career women who try to relate my lifestyle to their own. They can't undrestand why I take out the garbage, do yard work, take care of the car maintenance, etc. Sure, they share household duties with their spouses because they also work out of the home.

I am also mainly the one responsible for the children. My husband spends as much time as he possibly can with them and often takes over so I can have a break. I don't see how I could ask for more. I just don't understand why so many people say that caring for your family is the most important job there is then talk down to me like "Oh, you're just a home maker". I think there is a bit of envy involved.

Comments (Page 1)

Gideon MacLeish

on Aug 15, 2004

As the husband of a stay at home mom, this has always perplexed me, too. When people ask me "does your wife work?", I always comment "she'd KILL me if I said she didn't work, but she does stay at home with the kids". I am infuriated at the implication that staying home means someone "doesn't work" (and as homeschool parents, my wife has double duty!).

crimson

on Aug 15, 2004

I can't help but feel that some of these people I have experienced this with wish they could be in my position but would have to sacrifice financially. In order to reconcile this with their ego, they have to tear me down. They either treat me like I don't really work or they act like they feel sorry for me. I just don't understand it.

I so identify with this statement, but as the reverse. I find a lot of stay-at-home moms that I know of, make comments about how well-behaved their children are over those kids that are at daycare because they have the ability to spend more time to really 'parent'. I wonder if both attitudes are a reflection of wondering if life is better the other way? As a working mother, I love the chance that I get to socialize with others my own age. As a stay-at-home mom, I loved the opportunity to do my own thing, whenever I wantd to do it.

There's no 'just' to parenting, either way. It's a difficult job for everyone. Jill, I know you are doing great, so don't give those that seem to talk down to you a second thought.
Nic.

Texas Wahine

on Aug 15, 2004

Jill: I've been a stay-at-home-mom (or as Marge Simpson calls it, a domestic engineer) for closing in on two years now.

I love it, and I feel good knowing that I am doing what I feel is best for my family. I would never say that a woman that chooses to work outside the home is doing anything wrong or harmful to her family, but I do believe that for my family, I am doing the best thing possible.
People who don't see it as work would be quite surprised if they ever actually spent a day alone with children. Yikes!

You are not alone, girl!

JillUser

on Aug 15, 2004

I find a lot of stay-at-home moms that I know of, make comments about how well-behaved their children are over those kids that are at daycare

Oh boy do I know that type too Nic. I just don't know why people have to be so judgemental either way. Every family has a different set of challenges that require different solutions.

Thanks for the comments all.

historyishere

on Aug 15, 2004

I wonder if the people who denigrate staying at home with the children incorrectly think it's a lot easier than working outside the home? I have a great deal of respect for women(and men) who choose to stay home. It is a perfectly valid choice, and I think people shouldn't cast aspersions at anyone for doing it.

Poetmom99

on Aug 15, 2004

I so identify with this statement, but as the reverse. I find a lot of stay-at-home moms that I know of, make comments about how well-behaved their children are over those kids that are at daycare because they have the ability to spend more time to really 'parent'. I wonder if both attitudes are a reflection of wondering if life is better the other way? As a working mother, I love the chance that I get to socialize with others my own age. As a stay-at-home mom, I loved the opportunity to do my own thing, whenever I wantd to do it.

I've been both a stay at home and a working outside the home mom, and I know that both have their positives and their negatives. For ME, being a stay at home mom is the better of the two, but I know that it's not for everyone. A couple of weeks ago, I made a remark about going back to work, and my girls, who are 14 and 11, BOTH said, at practically the same time "Just get that thought OUT of your head. You did NOT say the "W" word." When I explained that I'm looking into some work at home options, they were much more satisfied...

WiseFawn

on Aug 15, 2004

I completely understand. During the time I got to be a stay at home mom, it was like people thought I did absolutely nothing all day. And even during times that I ran a day care at home, they still acted that way.

ExPat_Jac

on Aug 15, 2004

My husband and I agreed quite openly that if I am to stay home full time that I am to take care of pretty much everything around the house

wow...now where I agree with you that a home-maker is as valued and important as spouses that work outside of the home, I find this comment very hard to take.....

My wife also was as you describe...she stayed home while I worked..but to even think that I'd not help around the house, take out the trash, mow the lawn, do my share would have been unthinkable!

Running a house is a 24/7 job...my job is just 8 hours a day....who is your husband to think that he should not have to do SOMETHING in the running and upkeep of a house just because you and he choise to have you as a "house wife" ???

So...he does what? Goes out, spends his 8 hour day at the office, and has you wait on him hand and foot when he returns for the other 16 hours???

Make the bas$%rt take out the trash!!!!!!

Unreal.

Ravenblack

on Aug 16, 2004

Jilluser (and all homemakers) : Here's a story I once posted for a friend. (This was originally from my workplace's intranet website and was for mothers (for Mother's Day).)

================================================

Emily was renewing her driver’s license at the Clerk’s office when she was requested to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain of how to classify herself.

“What I mean is,” explained the clerk, “do you have a job? Or are you just a…?”

“Of course I have a job,” snapped Emily, “I’m a mother.”

“We don’t list ‘mother’ as an occupation, “housewife” covers it.” Explained the clerk emphatically.

I forgot all about the incident until I found myself in the same situation one day at our Home Town Hall.

The clerk was obviously a career woman, poise, efficient and possessed a title like “Official Interrogator” or “Town Registrar”.

“What is your occupation?” she probed.

What made me said it, I don’t know. The words simply popped out.

“I’m a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations.”

The clerk paused, ballpoint pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she did not hear properly. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most important words. Then I stared in wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold black ink on the official questionnaire.

“May I ask,” said the clerk with new interest, “just what you do in your field?”

Without any trace of fluster in my voice, I replied, “I have a continuing research program (which mothers don’t) in the laboratory and in the fields (normally I would have said ‘indoors’ and ‘outdoors’). I’m working for my Masters (my whole family) and have already achieved four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities (any mothers care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 hours is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers. And the rewards are more satisfying, not just in the area of monetary rewards.”

I must have earned the clerk’s respect as she completed the form, stood up and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into my driveway, heartened by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants, age 13, 7 and 3. Upstairs, I can hear my new experiment (a six month old baby) in the child development program and testing out new vocal program.

I felt triumphant. I had scored a beat on bureaucracy. And I had gone in the records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than “just another mother”.

Motherhood – what a glorious career!

==================================

C H Wood

on Aug 16, 2004

Expat_Jac I happen to know Jill and her spouse very well and he does not just work eight hour days. When you are self employed no day is an eight hour day. I know this because I am the child of a self employed person who worked six to seven days a week for most of my childhood. And even on days when you think that you get the self employed person to just family something comes up. My dad made as much time as he could for us when we were kids and helped out where he could. As Jill's spouse does. But when you have limited time the last thing you want your self-employed spouse doing is housework. You as the stay at home spouse would rather see them spend time with the family.

So I would retract that statement and apologize to Jill and her spouse.

There is one overwhelming comment that I remember from my college days. My former lab partner, who was a part time nurse and a mother, once told me that as a women there is no way that you can have everything something will always give. You just have to decide whether it is the career or the home life something will ultimately end up suffering. In the case of Jill and her spouse, they have chosen to give up her working which in reality I know Jill still helps out in the family business as the boys get older and her husband helps at home to some degree. So the finance is what they chose to give and I respect them for that.

As I am of the age where friends are having families many of my friends are choosing to have one parent stay home for a few years to take care of their little ones. This is their choice and they have planned for it and it works for them. I also know women who wanted to go directly back to work after the baby because they enjoyed their careers and that's great too. What works for one couple does not always work for another. What the women's liberation movement has given this generation is the option to run their family as they see fit whether that be a stay at home mom or a career women no one has the right to look down on you for your decision.

Jill - don't let them get to you. I think sometimes people just haven't planned financially ahead to take the option because they didn't think they would want to and sometimes they just have no idea how involved stay at home parents are playing in their own children's lives. My sister is a stay at home mom who volunteers at her children's elementary school four to five days a week helping kids who need extra help and helping teachers with over capacity class rooms. As did my mom when we were kids. The stay at home parents are the field trip parents who make sure kids stay with the group. They are the parents who over task themselves and end up staying up to 1:00-200 a.m. making five diffrent kinds of cookies for the bake offs and the christmas parties then volunteer to help with the party itself. So to those working parents I would say be greatful for the stay at home parents because you don't know how much help they are giving to your kids.

Anyways, Jill - sorry that you felt like that this weekend. Take care, we'll have to talk soon.

KarmaGirl

on Aug 16, 2004

Running a house is a 24/7 job...my job is just 8 hours a day....who is your husband to think that he should not have to do SOMETHING in the running and upkeep of a house just because you and he choise to have you as a "house wife" ???

1) just because you only work 8 hours a day does not mean that her husband only works 8 hours a day. Some men work long hours or two jobs to afford their wife to stay at home. I think you are assuming too much.

2) if *they* made the decision on how to live, why should *you* say it is wrong? You are acting like the people she is complaining about.

In the end, each family decides how it will be run. Both my hubby and I work full time (my parents watch our daughter while I work) so we share household duties 50/50. However, if I stayed at home, there is no way that I would expect my hubby to do 50% of the housework. I would expect him to do things that I couldn't do (like change the oil in the cars (well, that's a bad example since I could actually do that) or plow the snow....actually, that's a bad example too..) but I wouldn't expect him to do 50% of the work.

Staying at home can be a full time job (like Jill does) or it can be a lot less (I have met some really lazy Moms ). In the end, it doesn't matter. If you are happy and your family is happy who gives a flying fig what anyone else thinks?

I think we should go back to the 50's. All Moms stay at home and nurture their kids. (This would change the economy so that households could live on one income). Moms can then have time to make the home nice and stress free and figure out how in the hell to keep those 50's dresses from being wrinkled all the time

voiceofdissent

on Aug 16, 2004

It take time for shopping for clothes and paint your toenails too it is definitly a FULL TIME job!!

KarmaGirl

on Aug 16, 2004

It take time for shopping for clothes and paint your toenails too it is definitly a FULL TIME job!!

I can only assume that English is not your first language.

Poetmom99

on Aug 16, 2004

As long as they agreed to their arrangement, and it works for them, then who are we to judge?

It take time for shopping for clothes and paint your toenails too it is definitly a FULL TIME job!!

You left out my favorite part...eating bonbons while watching soap operas and talk shows all day!

JillUser

on Aug 16, 2004

HW, Wow! Thanks so much. Our true friends like you know how happy our family is and are secure enough with themselves to simply be happy for us. We seem to have some "friends" though that seem to just be happy for us. This blog helped me vent and I am feeling better about it especially with your support. Thanks! BTW, I miss you loads! (Also, I loved your point about how career moms should be thankful for the benefits they enjoy from other moms staying home)

Karma, you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned that every family has to decide how things need to be run for them. I don't know why people think all men should take out the trash. That would be like saying all women should have to have children and stay home. There is no right way for all situations.

ExPat Jac has the exact attitude that I am fed up with. I don't wait on my hubby hand and foot unless I want to and just because I take out the trash doesn't mean I don't have it good. I get manicures and pedicures and get to spend all the time in the world with my kids. I feel I have the best of all worlds. I try not to flaunt that but maybe the next time one of these "friends" starts acting sorry for me I will have to point out just how good I have it. Anyone in their right mind could see that I have a "real job" that is incredibly rewarding.

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