The adventures of Mommy woman
We need to change society's view
Published on February 23, 2004 By JillUser In Home & Family
We as a society, meaning the majority of us, seem to view homemaking as something that anyone could do therefore it isn't a real job. If you are a homemaker and your spouse/partner isn't doing "their part" you must be subservient. And there seems to be no consideration of how well you do your job or how many tasks are included in your job. Sure, anyone could do almost any given part, but few could do all that a homemaker does.

Then there are those that seem conflicted in their view. They state how hard homemaking is but still don't treat it like a "real" job. I will give an example: (Keep in mind, I think these people mean well, they just aren't thinking it through.) Someone suggests to the homemaker "You deserve to have a vacation. Let your spouse take over for a couple of days". Does the homemaker ever take over the spouse's job so they can have a vacation? Don't think so. Now you might argue, the spouse gets vacation days through work. My rebuttal to that is, the spouse's job doesn't get taken over during that vacation. All that work is waiting to be caught up when he/she returns.

People often say they know what a demanding job homemaking is. Some even go as far to say that they couldn't do it. That they have a job outside the home as an escape. When you are a homemaker you never have a punch out time. You do however have a lot more control over how you use your time to accomplish your tasks. You might be able to stay in your PJs until noon but then you also have to be the one to doctor your family all night when they are sick and have the responsibility that everyone is getting to their appointments, eating well, are clothed, etc. Saturday and Sunday are just like any other work day (except you usually get to sleep a little later).

There are advantages and disadvantages to every job. I personally am very proud of my job as a homemaker. My husband and I decided that would be a priority for our family at least for as long as we have children at home. We have a wonderful home and a healthy, stable family. We don't have that just because my husband makes a lot of money. We are partners in life. He can do what he does because I do what I do and vice versa. I am an equal partner. My husband doesn't cook or do laundry and I don't run the business. I actually prefer him not doing stuff around the house because I am a bit of a control freak He helps out when I can't due to illness. That is all I would ever ask.

So the next time you ask someone "So what do you do?" and they say "I stay at home." Don't just say "Oh, that's nice." Try saying "So how are things going?" or "How are you liking it?" since that is usually how the conversation goes with those who have "real" jobs.

Comments (Page 1)
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on Feb 23, 2004
Grew up with a stay at home mom, glad I did. She was a very busy woman and I'm thankful for everything she does for the family.

amen to you Jill
on Feb 23, 2004
I know how you feel. I use to be a homemaker.That is until the kids went to school and are now old enough to be alone for a couple hours.I either got "you are so lucky" or "don't you get tired of being home all the time?" In my opinion being a homemeker is one of the most important jobs in the world. Although there were times that I longed for a little more then being Mommy and Wife, I would never have traded it for the world.
You are truely BLESSED! Enjoy every moment.
on Feb 23, 2004
Well said! It is definitely a real job and a very important job!
on Feb 23, 2004
I am also a homemaker, and IMO, being a wife and mother who stays at home is one of, if not THE most important job a woman can have. I stayed home when my children were infants, went back to work when they were all in school, and am back to staying home now that two are teens and one is almost there. I believe they need a strong parental presence now just as much as they did when they were small, and I love being able to be there for them at a moment's notice, as well as providing a welcoming place for them to come home to every afternoon.
on Feb 23, 2004
Hear, hear.

I think part of the problem with the stigma is more in the way it was done in the past. When you were expected just to be a homemaker, then that was all you did, day in, day out, and when you had free time there was pretty much nothing to do. People became negative and bitter. Now I don't think people see it the same way. You can educate yourself at home, read, write, and generally be creative with your time. Many homemakers I know volunteer or substitute teach as well when their kids are in school.

There have been many times I have faced a lot of scorn for being a stay-at-home Dad. We've suffered financially when a lot of people around us haven't, but every day when my little girl gets up, or comes home from school, someone is here. It is a Home, not a 'house'. From third grade on I wore a door key around my neck, walked myself home, made myself a snack, and waited until my parents got home. Once I was in high school my parents had to be away for a week or more at a time, so there were times I lived alone. Not their fault at all, it was necessary, but I swore to myself my daughter wouldn't have to live that way, and when the time came it was my job we could do without. To most people I'm a bum. My in-laws think I am a waste of skin, I think, and others make a lot of excuses for me. I have a chronic illness as well, so it is easy for people to just nod sadly when they hear I stay at home and 'do nothing'.

I'm not sweating it though. I see a difference in my little girl and the kids who stay at day care or by themselves. I'm not saying it makes her better, but it is a difference that I appreciate. I don't fill the hours with soap operas or jerry springer. I try to better myself any way I can, but the priority is my daughter Melville. When the time comes and she needs me, I am here, the house is warm and the food is hot. I know other kids enjoy their time at day-care, and I don't fault their parents, but to me life is about being there.
on Feb 23, 2004
My wife is a full time homemaker. She takes care of our two small children and runs our household. And boy do I take a lot of crap for it from..well mostly women. Not other homemakers, but "working" women.

They'll see how I don't know where some pots and pans are in the kitchen or that I don't really do anything domestically (i.e. I don't help with the wash, I don't vacuum, I don't stay up all night, I change a relatively low percentage of the diapers, I don't help cook meals, I don't help do dishes, etc.). People will say to her "We're going to come over and take you out and let Brad stay home and do is part for a change."

Except it ignores a few fundamental facts of our relationship:
1) I work ~60 to ~70 hours per week already.

2) We have a very comfortable lifestyle. Arguably beyond anyone we know personally. If I had to spend even 5 to 10 hours per week helping cook or helping clean the house or whatever, there's no way I'd have been able (or continue to be able to) do what I do at work which is what financially provides our lifestyle.

3) My wife ENJOYS doing what she's doing. But people, who don't know her well, think she's some sort of push over. I.e. that she's somehow a doormat. I can go out with friends whenever I want. But I RARELY go out (i.e. 1 or 2 times PER MONTH).

4) My wife and I had discussed how we wanted to set up our life together long before we got married.

But people, mostly women, would prefer to paint my wife out as some sort of hapless victim to my jerkness. And believe me, it's working women who seem to look their nose down (even subconsciously) on other women who stay at home. I don't know where certain kitchen items are, but on the other hand, my wife doesn't know where any of my work related things are. What's the difference?

The difference is that today people sub-concsioucsly denigrate homemaking. I know I have friends and acquaintances who meet us and I believe, even if they won't admit it, that our lifestyle was sheer luck or largely luck. That we lead a charmed life. But it's not a charmed life. I'm pretty arrogant as some of you know so I'll just be direct in saying this: Instead of people thinking poorly on me and my wife's lifestyle, they should look at it for what it is. We have 2 happy and well adjusted children. We have material comforts that few have. My wife and I spend more time together than any couple I know. We get along extremely well. Perhaps other people should consider emulating our lifestyle rather than trying to force us to emulate theirs.
on Feb 23, 2004
Hear, hear, Brad. It's about time you started taking up for yourself and defending your lifestyle. LOL

(not that i don't agree )

on Feb 23, 2004
If it were a real job wouldn't you get paid by someone to do it ?

It seems like children should ideally be raised by both parents. Have to think about that one for a minute.

Dunno.

Over and Out
on Feb 23, 2004
PoetPhilosopher: What sort of system would allow both parents to stay home, other than welfare? I don't think Brad means he has nothing to do with his kids, I think he is saying that the time he would spend washing dishes he puts into his business, and the time his wife isn't doing business she is washing dishes. This is division of labor, not rejection of one's responsibilities. Dishes are just as much 'business' as what Brad does.

The problem is, most modern people don't see their homes as 'labor' at all. In the case of affluent folks with lots of money for a maid and child care, that attitude just gets you apathy. In the case of low or middle income folks, it becomes neglect. Modern thought doesn't reallocate time to take work into consideration, they just ignore the presence of household responsibilities. Not a big deal in nicer neighborhoods, but go see what it does in the projects. You can't neglect the home. You have to make a living, you have to do the best you can, but 'best' has to include a good home environment.
on Feb 23, 2004
On varying times when I am in between jobs or schooling, I am a stay-at-home mother. I love it, but feel guilty, because I do have to resort to applying for welfare when doing so. I know my daughter loves it, because I get to spend more time with her and do things for her. I can see the difference in other people's eyes when I am on welfare and trying to care for my child vs. when I have secured employment. What they don't see is how neglectful things can get when I am struggling to manage life in that category. Do I work when unemployed? Hell yes, and in some ways I long to go back to work just so that I can have a break. Do I feel that I am contributing as a stay-at-home mom? See how well my child is being raised and how it influences her decisions in life.
I agree with Brad in that women who stay at home can be seen in a lesser, subsevient light. I question whether she really ENJOYS all the household demands of it (dishes are my evil curse)... but I don't question that they are both trying to raise their children the best way that they see fit. Bakerstreet... ignore the sexist stereotypes... I'm happy for you and your family.

Good for everyone... we need to support everyone who tries to create healthy and happy lifestyles for our children.
on Feb 23, 2004
I work from 8 to 5. In the weekend, with a trekload of 15kg of camping and photography equipment, I trek anything between 15 to 30km. By the time I got home, the only thing that interest me is the remote and TV. And how I wish someone to do the housework.

Its not that my walkup apartment is messy beyond belief. It is just not a "home". Or an "office". Or a "studio". What am I driving at. All these three place needs certain amount of works called "job" to make it work. Without the "job", whether it's real or not, someone needs to do it.

I don't have a home but a house. If only someone wants the job, maybe then I ould call it home. To all the wives and mums in this world, thank you for creating home for most of us.

And thank you Jill, for your comment.
on Feb 23, 2004
PoetPhilosopher, do you have a family? If so, have you ever stayed at home? You are right, it isn't a job, it is many jobs. No, we don't get a paycheck. We get paid with the wonders of happiness, lack of stress and well adjusted, healthy children. I mention healthy children because my pediatrician always comments that she can tell my kids aren't in day care because it is such a rarity that they are ill. No amount of money can be equivalent to those things. Besides, do you work to live or live to work? Life is not, or at least shouldn't be about how much money you have.

Bakerstreet, I know a couple of stay-at-home dads in our neighborhood. It makes just as much sense as having the mom stay at home. If the mom is better able to provide income for the family, why not. Kudos to you. Well done. Your little girl is very lucky.

To everyone else, thank you for your comments.
on Feb 23, 2004
Homemaking is a real job--but it is only open to those who are married to a man or woman rich enough to support them. It has always had a stigma and still does. Unless you've actually done it yourself, you don't know how demanding and difficult it can be. It is often a thankless job also. You are fortunate that you had the choice and that you are doing something you love.
on Feb 23, 2004
Hi Jill good to see you're back, hope you are feeling better. GCJ
on Feb 23, 2004
Brad seems like you could devote some of your joeuser time to help out your wife a little more. GCJ
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