The adventures of Mommy woman
The Carlie Murder is Too Upsetting
Published on February 11, 2004 By JillUser In Home & Family
The murder of 11yr old Carlie has given me a stomach ache since it happened. I have two young children and now my heart jumps every time they are out of sight for any amount of time. To have seen her actual abduction on tape and then have her end up murdered is just something I am having a hard time dealing with.

Recently I came across a group called Kidz Idz. They go around to places like Chuck E Cheese and finger print your children for free so you can keep it on file. They were outside a craft store I was shopping at and they were selling a video called "Yello Dyno's Can't Fool Me!" and "Tricky People". They explained that Yello Dyno is their "Barney" type mascot who teaches kids how to deal with adults. Too many kids get taken advantage of because they are taught to listen to adults. This teaches them that some people are "tricky people" that seem nice but want to harm you.

I think it is a fantastic tool. It doesn't scare the child but both my 3 and 7yr olds were able to understand that if an adult you don't know wants you to come up to them or go somewhere with them, it is okay to run away or yell "not my mommy/daddy!" The worst that can happen is someone might get embarrassed. It tells them that some people have "sadness in their hearts" that makes them want to do bad things.

I always thought it was amazing that so many parents would brag "My son/daughter is so friendly that she would be happy going with anyone." I don't want my child to be that way! Sure, it makes it easier when you have to leave them with a sitter but a few tears with a sitter is a small trade off for having your little one not go off with just anyone.

I personally am battling with myself on how to find a healthy mix of worry wart and letting them have some independence. I don't want them to be afraid of everything but I want them to be safe. It is enough to keep a parent up at night that is for sure!

If you are interested in the tapes, they have a site www.yellodyno.com. I highly recommend them. Play the video, sing the "Tricky People" song and talk to your kids. I have also heard that it is a good idea to have a code word with your children. If someone other than yourself tries to take your child somewhere and they don't know the code word, your child doesn't go.

Best wishes for a safe family.
Comments
on Feb 11, 2004
I live in a fairly small city that is far enough away from the urban sprawl of Toronto that I feel a lot more relaxed about my child's safety. Or at least, I did. And then I found out that my city was a pretty popular place amongst pedophilers who have been released after serving time for the crime.
I have taught my six-year old a few things that may not be right but makes me feel a whole lot better in regards to her safety.

-"I have ultimate power". Nobody's word is higher than mine. That means that she listens to me, not any relative, close friend, teacher or doctor. There are no secrets to be kept from me by the people listed there. I hate to believe the stats on this, or even consider that it is a possibility in my life, but child abusers often are people that you know. Sad but true.

-"We live in a small town, and while your friends might get to do a lot of things that you can't, that's just the way it is." I know parents who let their kids do anything. Visit friends' homes on their own, play outdoors unsupervised, hang out in the kids' section at Chapters while the parent browses on their own. All of this is age appropriate, of course. But I don't let my daughter do it anymore. I was a lot more lenient a year ago. Now, maybe I am starting to really recognize the risks that occur in our own backyard.

There are a few places that we frequent, and I feel a bit safer. Like my local coffee shop and video store. The guys that work in both places are great. I have become friends with both of them, and they have been kind enough to actually watch my daughter for me if I forget to get cash and have to run to the bank. Maybe because we are the same age and they have kids of their own and we understand the safety issues of children, I feel comfortable with them.
I don't feel comfortable with every single patron of their place of work. I give her the right to scream bloody murder if anyone approaches her funny, even if she gets a weird feeling about someone who is trying to talk to her. I have told her about abduction in the most nonthreatening/worrying way as possible, and it's harsh, but she knows that kids can get taken.
It's bloody awful that these things happen everywhere and anywhere. You're right to worry. In my opinion, at least. But maybe looking at it differently might help a bit, too.
From my perspective, I am the most important person in my daughter's life. I have set limitations in her life not to restrict her, but to make sure that she is safe. I want her to have fun, and if that means not getting a little time to myself instead of being right with her, than so be it. Instead of looking it as a chore at times, I've been glad to be able to participate in things with her. I don't let her play in the backyard unsupervised, but I've rediscovered the joys of playing in a sandbox, wading pool, sprinkler, or ice-rink.
It's all right to worry, but try to have fun, too! Thanks for the info on IDing.
on Feb 11, 2004
My daughter doesn't like anyone. I took be years to get her to even stay at her Grandma's house. The problem is, you never know how your child will react in a certain situation. If they are looking for their Mom, and somebody says "I'll help you find her" do you think they will go with that person? It's a scary thing. I think it's impossible to teach your kid how to react. I guess you just have to teach them as much as possible and hope for the best. I think it is also important to take many pictures of your kid so you always have a very recent one just in case.
on Feb 11, 2004
As a grandmother and a mother who went through the same fears when my children are small. I sympathize with your fears. It is horrible when a child is murdered by a parent or a stranger. Statistically the chances are slim, that it will happen to your child. Teaching fear of strangers is a good thing, but sad. As a grandmother, I love to say hi to children, but I always do it in front of the mothers and watch for their reaction. That doesn't mean that women who look like grandmothers don't kidnap children. It is just sad for the children and for their parents that we live in such a world.

The place where I watched my children the closest was in shopping malls and public events. I hope that nothing bad happens to your children and they will always be safe.
on Feb 12, 2004
Thank you Sherye. I know the chances are very small that it will happen but it is one of those things you could never live with. I like my children to be friendly to people when I am present but cautious when I'm not.

My 3yr old gave me a scare in Home Depot a couple of weeks ago. He can quickly disappear into a pallet of lawn supplies and thinks he's funny when he doesn't answer my frantic calls. He is giving me grey hair! He is so sweet. He just has no idea what could happen. It is too bad that is a lesson we have to teach.

KarmaGirl, you have such a good point about a child going with someone who offers to help find their parent. Scary!

NickyG, I don't let my kids out of sight in the back yard either. They might see someone walking a cute dog and they would be gone. They also try to kill each other as brothers often do
on Feb 23, 2004
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My now 14 yr old daughter has always been one of those very friendly children, and I have always been concerned for her. I never wanted to stifle her bubbly, loving personality, but we have had MANY, MANY talks about what is appropriate with people we don't know, and what is not.....and until I was sure she "got it", I kept her very restricted, and did my best to never let her out of my sight.
on Mar 23, 2004
I was just informed yesterday that a man (pedophiler in my book) was caught masturbating in front of our school. Believe you me, I became so frantic that now I have to worry about my kids playing in front of their own home. I know that a big part of me wants to say, "This is our home and no one, no one is going to run me inside!" But the truth of it is that I'm not willing to chance it...so I whole heartedly believe in what you mothers are going through and might feel somewhat confused about what your actually doing but remember...at the same time it is vital for you to speak to your children so that they understand why you are so afraid. You'll be surprised how much children actually understand...sometimes even better than adults!!! Though I don't often tell people this, okay I never tell people this but I feel that it's an important aspect of my life...I was molested by my mother's brother at a very young age and because of this I do not have any trust when it comes to men (and even women)...and so I have taught my children the same. Be cautious when meeting new people and in order for me to teach this I had to teach my children to use their gut instinct! When we go out to eat, I send them to ask the cashiers for this or that (all the while watching them as they do it). Contrary to what people might think, I believe that God (or higher being) gave all of us a basic instinct. Now it is up to us to learn how to use it. I know that a lot of people might not see eye to eye with me and to me their the ones who are living in a delusional world!!! Regardless of the probability that it might happen to your child, it can still happen! I don't think of the probability of whether or not it might happen I think about those parents who have to live with the reality of their child missing or dead or even worse, to me, is finding your missing child and knowning the tradegy that has happened to them and feeling so helpless in helping them cope with the reality of their tradegy. I believe you ladies are doing a great job in protecting your children but you must also consider the reality that you cannot be with your children 24/7...so keep up the good work but also teach your children to use their internal instinct because in the end that's all they really have to survive in this world . Keep safe...Letty