I recently found out that a dear family friend has only a couple of months to live.  She has cancer and there is nothing that can be done.  I was told she is taking it better than anyone else.  She has been in so much pain for so long now that I think an end, any end to the pain is now welcome.

Now I have to figure out what is best to do and say.  I want to go visit her and cry and tell her how horrible I feel but I think that would be selfish.  I think I need to find out how she wants to spend what little time she has and help her in any way I can to fulfill any final wishes.  I just don't know.

She is a friend that is like an aunt so her kids are like cousins.  They are my age and have young children like I do.  I can only try to imagine how I would feel and what I would want if I were them.  Then again, as soon as I consider the thought of losing my mom, my mind goes blank and I feel mentally hysterical.

All I know right now is that my stomache and heart hurt.  My mind is a swirling mess of sadness, fear and anger.  This isn't even the first or second time I have faced this form of tragedy.  The first time was at age 17 and my 18 yr old friend was given the death sentence that lukemia used to mean.  He was in the hospital, hopeful until the end.  He seemed to age decades in mere days.  Then, 4yrs ago it was my uncle with almost the same situation as this friend.  I wasn't as close to him but the pain it caused to my mother and grandmother made it very hard and seeing him, talking to him all the while knowing that it was the last time we would talk was one of the most difficult things I have ever done.

So what do you do?  What do you say?  How do you justify, reconcile, deal with in any way what is happening?  So far it has caused the blizzard outside to not matter, the pain from my sinus infection seem silly, and everything else seem like a guilty pleasure.  I feel like keeping my husband and boys home, safe with me forever.  I know that isn't rational but that is what I am feeling at the moment.