Where Do I Fit In?

Not Just a Homemaker

Published on January 19, 2004 By JillUser In Blogging

As you can tell from the name of my site "More than just mommy" I consider myself more than just a homemaker even though my main job is staying home to care for my children and our household. I still have a foot in the career world since my husband and I (I helped establish the company) have a software company. I am the Human Resources manager so I still do an important job. If I don't do my job, people don't get their paycheck and benefits.

Once the boys are both in school, I plan to go back to the office part time. Our priority still stands with having a parent home whenever the children are home. I am also hoping to be active with school once the little guy is a little less demanding. You just can't work full time and do all of those things.

I always feel torn when people ask me "so what do you do?" I truly am a stay at home mom but that isn't all I do. Usually I tell them I'm a homemaker rather than explain anything else. It is funny how you get the "Oh," as in, "Oh, that's all you do." From so many people. It is mainly women. I don't know if it is jealousy or that they feel above me.

Staying at home is very rewarding but it can be hard on the ego. You don't get the assessments, raises, awards, etc that you might get in the work place. I don't have any impressive title. I don't feel like "Hey, I earned that money, I can treat myself." I have to remind myself that my contribution is important.

My husband is very good at making me feel good. He often tells me how good I am at preparing good meals or at making the home comfortable. Our boys have a very stable home life and I am able to be there for the children in our neighborhood also. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

My problem lies with relating to other ladies I know. I haven't met any others that are in limbo like I am. They are either a career woman or completely homemaker. The career women think I don't have my husband do enough around the house and the homemakers, well, I don't know what they think. I can't relate to the families where the man makes all of the money and then comes home and helps with the house work also. I just don't believe that is right. I have worked full time and can't imagine coming home to a second job.

My husband is a wonderful Dad. He plays with and talks to the boys. He has so many responsibilities at the office, I couldn't imagine pawning the kids off on him when he got home. On the weekends we try to do things as a couple or as a family. I have a lot of friends that say I don't do enough for myself. I can't complain. I have a wonderful life. I am just selfish in different ways than a lot of the women I know.

Well, those are the random ramblings that were running through my mind just now. Better go feed my children some dinner.

Comments

Draginol

on Jan 19, 2004

Our society has some problems with pirorities in my opinion.

Jobs, as in going to a place and doing something is a MEANS to an end. Not the end in itself. I work not for the sake of working. I trade my labor in exchange for food, shelter, clothing, essentials and anemeties for myself and my family. The point of it, in my view, is to provide for my family. What is the meaning of life? To build a family and do the best I can for my wife and children so that my children can have a happy productive life for the next generation.

What "job" can possibly compare with helping raise and nurture a human being? I realize many won't necessarily agree with that view but that is how I see things. Homemakers have the most important job of all.

In your case, you have an unusual situation. You're both a homemaker and business partner to your husband. Some would say you have the best of both worlds (or worst). But it sounds like a varied lifestyle. It seems like a lot of people, both homemakers and people with careers, end up ina rut at some point. Being able to add more variety to ones life seems to me to be a good way of avoiding that.

Zoomba

on Jan 19, 2004

I have to agree with Brad here, priorities are all screwed up now when it comes to life expectations and goals. I see too many of my peers who say they want to be lawyers/doctors/executives, marry a guy who is equally ambitious in life... AND raise a family. Raising a kid is a full-time job all by itself, and doesn't need to compete with a full-time outside world job, trying to juggle the two results in neither being done properly.

It seems there is a stigma now associated with being a stay-at-home mom. Perhaps it's the feeling that such a position is a hold-over from the days where women took subservient roles (as the feminists see it), and by continuing to be one you're somehow giving in to the male dominated evil conspiracy of the universe. But it just isn't recognized anymore as an honorable trade, even though it is perhaps the single most important job we as humans could possibly have. I mean what's more important than raising and shaping the next generation of our society? I think there's a lot more honor in properly raising a child than there is in earning a ton of cash on Wall Street.

mignuna

on Jan 19, 2004

... woman, you are so HARD on yourself !. you wear three different "hats" everyday in the same home and still keep it balanced. the fact is, you're a rarity in this selfish world: you're prepared to follow through and actually RAISE the babies you birthed, and this time of your life is all about them. to you, that also means you are prepared to make homelife very easy for your "outside employed" husband.

in 15 years' time when you look at your adolescent sons with pride, knowing that YOU are the reason they are so secure and so complete, your rewards will be tenfold.

... but in the meantime, superwoman (and you are), please remember 3 things:

1) next time someone asks you what you do, tell them "i make every moment count".

2) you have 2 full time jobs. (one of them 24/7 considering one of your sons is still an infant). it is not selfish to seek validation for what you do - it is just a shame most people (even other women today) just don't know how hard that is.

3) having "me" time occasionally is not selfish. it's in fact essential, and your family will suffer if you aren't allowed to "breathe" occasionally. take some time for you. insist on it. it is richly deserved and will benefit all involved.

Locamama

on Jan 19, 2004

You are a WAHM - work at home mom - that's what I am too. I do home daycare so I can bring some income into the house and also be here for my boys. But it is hard. People think if you are home that you are not working and believe me I work. I do think women can in general be very hard on each other. There was a great show on Dr. Phil about SAHM ws. working moms. I think you are doing a great job of finding a happy medium. Basically, I think you have to make the best choice for your family. And like your name says - be a mom but not - just a mom. Personally, though I hate the term homemaker. It just irritates me and I don't know why. We should make a new job descriptions for ourselves - we are asset managers who specialize in futures:).

MotherofTwo

on Jan 20, 2004

I think you should take pride and an ego boost in knowing you're doing the best job on the planet. Mothering isn't easy, it's not paying, but it's the most rewarding job ever, as you know. Take heart in knowing only you can love and raise your kids as good as you have. Dedicating your life to nurturing, loving, raising, and caring for your children has immediate and long term rewards for your children. Even though women might not praise you as much as they should, the world itself will praise you when your children become upright, loving, respectful citizens in the future.

I felt the need to respond to this "I couldn't imagine pawning the kids off on him when he got home" though your husband paying job is his career. He contributes to his family through providing for them, being responsible to his job, and thus providing for your needs through that, I also believe he still has a responsibility to his family when he gets home, I don't see as asking for help pawning the kids off on him, and asking for a break shouldn't be something you feel guilty for. I highly doubt that your husband would make any comments about this either way, but I feel like you shouldn't feel like asking your husband to also fulfill his fatherly responsibility by taking the children for awhile so you can care for yourself and refocus and regenerate your resources to continue being the wonderful mother you are.

Women shouldn't feel guilty for staying home and loving their kids, nor for needing help. God blesses you with children to be a blessing to them.

MotherofTwo

on Jan 20, 2004

I think you should take pride and an ego boost in knowing you're doing the best job on the planet. Mothering isn't easy, it's not paying, but it's the most rewarding job ever, as you know. Take heart in knowing only you can love and raise your kids as good as you have. Dedicating your life to nurturing, loving, raising, and caring for your children has immediate and long term rewards for your children. Even though women might not praise you as much as they should, the world itself will praise you when your children become upright, loving, respectful citizens in the future.

I felt the need to respond to this "I couldn't imagine pawning the kids off on him when he got home" though your husband paying job is his career. He contributes to his family through providing for them, being responsible to his job, and thus providing for your needs through that, I also believe he still has a responsibility to his family when he gets home, I don't see as asking for help pawning the kids off on him, and asking for a break shouldn't be something you feel guilty for. I highly doubt that your husband would make any comments about this either way, but I feel like you shouldn't feel like asking your husband to also fulfill his fatherly responsibility by taking the children for awhile is wrong so you can care for yourself and refocus and regenerate your resources to continue being the wonderful mother you are.

Women shouldn't feel guilty for staying home and loving their kids, nor for needing help. God blesses you with children to be a blessing to them.

JillUser

on Jan 20, 2004

Thanks all. I did get an ego boost from your comments. Most days I hold my head high with pride but it is easy, as with any job, to feel a little burnt out from time to time.

I should have mentioned that my hubby tries to work from home when possible so I can get out for some "me" time. I also have some friends that have small children and we try to watch each others kiddies on occasion so the other can get out on their own. Like I said, I have a wonderful life. I do think staying home with youngsters is hard in ways that only people who have done it can appreciate.

My mug this morning says "Motherhood-The toughest job you'll ever love."

Wilieone

on Jan 20, 2004

I have been both a stay at home mom and a working mom. I wanted to stay home with my kids so that those very important first years were formed by me, not a daycare. However it can take a toll on your self importance. After the kids started school full time I started working. So now I had a 40+ hour week and had a really bad case of the mommy guilts. Although life was better with the extra income I felt as if I was not doing my main job, being Mom. My hubby is wonderful and shares the household chores. This makes it easier on me. I do have to say that you have to say that have a little of the working world and alot of the mommy world sounds pretty nice.
Enjoy it all.

Nicole

on Jan 26, 2004

I don't think that the askers of the question "what do you do?" are jealous. Perhaps the response you give them makes them feel awkward. That is on them. I always clarify the with the questioner. I ask "do you want to know what I do for income?" That ususally gets them thinking outside of the box a bit. After I have asked them to clarify, I start in with my laundry list which includes work at a job, income streams, and volunteer work. Have some fun with your answers. Jolt them out of their one dimensional existence.

imajinit

on Jan 26, 2004

to me the most important aspect of this is that different people have different priorities. i wish that we could all realize that, and stop trying to force our opinions on other people. ALL that matters is that YOU are happy with what you do.

JillUser

on Jan 26, 2004

Imajinit, the world needs more people who share in your philosophy.

Thanks for the great comments everyone!

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