Kingbee, I think you are missing my point with symantics.  I see what you are saying about sympathy and sensitivity.  When I say that a sensitive person tries to say the right thing, I mean it is a person that means well and it truly trying to say something that will help.  The regard to how it will be received part is where empathy comes in.  If you are unempathetic, you can't put yourself in that person's shoes in order to see how such a thing will be received.

I'm hypersensitive and empathic when dealing with others. I can be overwhelmed by it

Ditto.

Unempathetic people try to say the "right thing" without regard to how it will be recieved.

I would try to say the right thing, only I feel like nothing I could possibly say would be right. So instead of doing or saying anything I end up doing/saying nothing. Classic avoidance. I need to learn how to temper empathy with sympathy.

Good article. Thought-provoking.

Helix the II, if you would have said "this too shall pass" to me during either of my miscarriages or since, I would not appreciate it and if you were truly empathetic to the situation, you wouldn't say it because you obviously do not have direct understanding of that particular situation.  I know many women who have had miscarriages (thanks to me being open about mine) and we talked in depth about this very issue.  Miscarriage is something that screws you up physically, emotionally and hormonally.  There isn't a lot that you can say other than "I am so sorry you are going through this" that will be constructive.

I remember when my paternal grandmother died, my maternal grandmother wiped the tears from my face and said "Stop your crying.  It isn't the end of the world."  Even at 6yrs old I thought "I doubt she would want someone to say that to me if it was she who had died."  I knew it wasn't the end of the world but it certainly was the end of part of my world.  I love my grandma but she isn't an empathetic woman.

I do agree that compassion is a good description of what is lacking.  My subtitle though, and what I was wondering about, gave question to why some people seem to have innate empathy, some can acquire it and others just never get it.

Great comment though.

xtine, you can never go wrong with simply saying "I feel so badly about what you are going through.  Please know that I am here when you need me."  If you have experienced the same thing as the person, it might be comforting to share your experience.  If you haven't, just tell that person you can't imagine what they are going through but that you feel for them.  It is condescending and angering when people try to tell you how you should feel or react when they hadn't experienced what you are experiencing.

Good points LW.  I agree that there is a time, place and decorum for sharing experiences.  That is why I didn't offer it as a first suggestion.

I don't blame you for being emotional about the loss of your brother.  I don't know how you can ever get over something like that.  Just the thought of losing my sister has had me in tears at night some times.  My grandpa who I grew up with next door all my life passed away almost ten years ago and I still get emotionaly thinking about him when things are quiet.  Losing a grandfather can't possibly be anywhere near as devestating as a sibling (assuming you had a good relationship with the sibling as it sounds like you most certainly did).

You made wonderful suggestions about how people can help out.  I took meals to a neighbor friend when her dad had a stroke and she said it was the best thing I could have done.  I also helped out with the kids as much as I could.  People always try to think big and end up doing nothing because they can't meet up to their own expectations.  Like you said, it is little things like meals, logging gifts are cards, maybe cleaning the house or making phone calls that really mean the most and add up in a hurry.

Thanks for the great input.

Those with the insane logic just can't seem to grasp the concept of feelings. Or, atleast..grasp the concept that OTHER PEOPLE have feelings. Maybe their parents didn't teach them it..

I think you touched on a couple of important ideas there.

1) Some people try to put everything into a logically box when some things just can't be explained with logic.

2) Parents play a huge role in developing emapthy in their children.  Some parents never give their kids the "How would you feel if someone did that to you" speech.  Another parenting lesson that comes to mind that is currently very frowned upon is showing a child the error of their ways by demonstration.  Example: Child bites another child, parent bites the biter.  Works well with hair pulling too

Good input.

We will have to agree to disagree on the subject of saying "This too shall pass".  I don't see that as an empathetic thing to say but that is just my opinion.

Well, I can only go by my experiences and opinions and those of friends I have talked to.  I will again use the miscarriage example.  When I had my first miscarriage, I didn't feel it was the end of the world.  I did however feel vulnerable and emotionally/hormonally out of whack.  Telling me "this too shall pass" is logical, but like we talked about previously, this wasn't a time for logic.  I was well aware of everything that happened and that I could survive it.  I just needed people to be kind, supportive and patient with me while I was getting my hormones and emotions back in check.

Sometimes it isn't constructive to try to be constructive.  Sometimes the empathetic thing to do is just "feel" for the person.