I've always been rather extroverted when it came to expressing my love, the thing I'm always worried about is that I don't overdo it. My ex even once told me not to say "I love you" so often cause it cheapens the meaning of those words. So in a nutshell, no, if I do truly love someone, I have no qualms whatsoever with telling them how I feel and every time I say it, it's always genuine. I might say it often, but I'd never say it if I didn't truly mean it. That would be sacrilige. Alas I think I've digressed.

I think if it is heart felt, you can never say it too much. My younger son didn't say it for a while. I don't think he really understood what it meant. That is why it meant so much more when he started saying it. Now he says it a lot and it melts me every single time.

Thanks for the comment Mack.

My family never said I love you when I was a kid. We didn't hug. I know we cared about each other but we were not what I would call a "close" family. I tell my husband and boys that I love them. My husband the most. My boys, it seems like its a little less the older they get. That makes me sad. I started telling my grandma I love her when we would hang up the phone and now she does it with my other relatives and it makes me happy because I feel like I started something good. I don't think I ever heard my mom tell me she loved me which is very sad.

Jill, I think you should have a heart to heart with your dad and actually say the words. My dad passed away and it will always be a regret that I didn't tell him I loved him when I could. I can say he knows I loved him but I would feel so much better if it was said. My dad's way of saying I love you was "how's your car running" - etc. I think maybe its a man thing.

Of course, my husband's family says they love each other and hugs and it was hard for me at first. I felt funny hugging them and getting hugged by them. Maybe its a southern thing too because some of my friends will come in and hug me, which again was weird at first but I've gotten used to it.

Somewhere between junior high and now, I've lost the ability to communicate with my brother. I don't doubt that we both care for each other, but so much time and distance is between us. He had been a bit of a hero to me, and also a bit of a torment. The last time I actually talked to him was during Christmas vacation... it's been awhile, I know. The funny thing is, I never really took a good look at our relationship until after having my daughter. The easier I found it to express my feelings with her, and the rest of my family who was around with us while she went from infancy, to toddler, to a healthy child now, I realize what we've all missed because of our distance.

I have a huge problem with the words, "I love you TOO." I don't ever want anyone to say it to me, I and refuse to say it to anyone. If I love someone, it's not also, it simply is. You feel me?

Trinitie

Expressing love is something I struggle with... I have two primary ways I express love: one is physical and one is by service. I love giving and receiving hugs, and if somebody taps me on the shoulder as they walk down the hall, it puts a huge smile on my face. It's a language I feel very comfortable with. I also like doing things for people, just little things like getting a fork or helping them out with something when they didn't ask.

The problem is, is a world where all physical expressions of love are interpreted as sexual, and doing things for other people is considered deprecating charity (ladies, it's hard trying to be a gentemen these days), my love languages aren't the easiest in the world. I say "I love you" a lot, but when I do I feel like I need more to really express myself, because words aren't my love language.

Thanks for a good, down to earth article.

~Dan

The list of people I know I love is pretty short. But out of that list, there are people I have either never even told I love or that I do so incredibly rarely.

I don't know why it is. In some cases, my feelings are uncertain. I grew up an only child of a single mother. So I don't have a very great amount of experience in deep emotional feelings. I think that's why I tend to be a bit obsessive about my love, particularly with my wife since I've given my love to so few that it all goes onto her and my children pretty much. I love my mother but rarely tell her I love her. It makes me..uncomfortable for some reason.

Now that I think of it, there's only 3 people I tell I love on a regular basis - my wife and my 2 sons. Once in awhile I tell it to my mom. And in extreme rare cases I've told my dad but my feelings towards him are nebulous because he wasn't around during those "bonding" years. There's a friend of the family who our son is named after who I love but I don't think I've told him. He's been like a father to me when I was growing up. My wife's sister is someone I love but not having had any siblings growing up it is a very foreign feeling and not one I express easily -- i.e. not having a sibling I have nothing to compare it to.

I think for me that's what makes the whole thing difficult. I didn't have much samplings of differerent kinds of love. I grew up with the love one has for their mother. That's it until I became an adult. Even my experience with romantic love has been very limited since I guarded such feelings like a treasure.  So it's only been since I got married and had children and came to see "normal" families that I started even experiencing these other types of loves that are out there.

So yes, I do know what you mean.  I have a great deal of difficulty expressing myself in that way.

Well the harsh reality is that you certainly can say it too much. The only time it's really appropriate to say it all the time is when the love is unconditional at a social level, i.e. between relatives and parents/children. Maybe that's not a PC opinion but I believe it is the truth.

To say it every day is to give the words no context and no importance. Then when your partner does something that really makes you appreciate him/her, you have nothing stronger to say to communicate that. Demonstrate consistency and commitment through your actions, but save those words so that they have some impact every time you utter them.

I think that everyone expresses love in a different way.  You don't always have to say the words for somebody to know that you love them.  I have always been an "actions speak louder than words" kind of person.  But, on the flip side of that, there are probably a lot of people who think that I don't really like them because I'm not a very mushy kind of person.  I think that the effort that a person puts forth to be involved in your life speaks volumes.  The only person that I actually say "I love you" to on a daily basis is my daughter.  Typically, if I tell my husband "I love you" he either says "I love you" back (not I love you, too) or "I know".  I guess I don't expect people to actually say the words, because I look for their actions as an indication on how they feel.  I guess some people feel that they have to hear the words to know that you love them, where others just know.

"My ex even once told me not to say "I love you" so often cause it cheapens the meaning of those words"

Wow, that's one I've never heard before. My husband and I say it to each other all the time....every time one of us leaves the house, every time we talk on the phone, and numerous times during the day "just because". Same holds true with the children--and I happen to believe it strengthens the bond between us, not cheapens the meaning of the words, but that's just me.

"My younger son didn't say it for a while. I don't think he really understood what it meant. That is why it meant so much more when he started saying it."


My son stopped saying it for a while, when he became a teen....but about a year ago, at 17, he started saying it again, consistently....so I know what you mean about it being special and melting your heart. The first time I heard it again from my son, I got all teary-eyed.

Wow, there really are a lot of different takes on how to express love.
Locamama, I have told my dad I love him before. It just isn't as often as with my mom. He really isn't the type who would sit down for a heart to heart. I have written him letters before about how much I love him and care about him. He is a lot more private about emotion and gets uncomfortable about being confronted about emotional stuff. I feel it would be selfish of me to make him uncomfortable so that I could make sure I told him for my own peace of mind (i.e. in case it was the last chance).

I personally have no problem with "I love you too." I really can't understand the problem with that Trin. No, I don't feel you on that one. I guess it is in the sincerity. If you are sincere, there is no wrong way to say it. If you are insincere, there is no right way to say it. My mom and husband have an unconditional love for me so there is no wrong way to say it in my opinion. It isn't as if I never say I love you first. And I would not think any less of them saying "I love you too." I know what is in their hearts so it is all good.

I also grew up in an emotionally dysfunctional family. The only time my mother said she loved me was on my wedding day and it made me feel terribly uncomfortable. At that moment I swore my children would grow up always knowing they were loved. After that, I made sure I said it to my parents as often as possible, even when I could see it made them uneasy. When Dad was dying I said it often, and I know it was difficult for him to say it back, but he did. And I am grateful that he passed knowing that I loved him, despite everything, because I told him I did.

My kids and husband and I say it all the time. We also hug and kiss, even my 14 yr old son, even in front of his friends. He and my daughter, who's 21, still hug and kiss goodbye and goodnight.

I still have problems with relatives and people I'm not close to. I married into a family of "huggers", and meetings and leavings always make me squirm. But I try.

I think verbalizing your love to those important to you is a good idea. But to me it's kind of icing on the cake. It's nice. It helps complete the picture. But it's not the main ingrediant.

First of all, what is love?

No, seriously.

Love seems to have myriad definitions. Sure, they are all fairly closely related, but I do think almost everyone has a slightly different idea on what it is. To me, this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it does dilute the meaning of "I love you", because you shouldn't expect any one person to know your how you in particular define love.

Here's my own take on love.

It's 99% how you treat people, what you do for them, and time you spend with them. It's 1% saying "I love you".

Consider: Mark and Jim are both fathers with two boys. Mark is not comfortable saying, "I love you" to his boys. However, Mark talks to his boys all the time. He goes to their sports events. He plays games with them. He plans camping trips with them. He sets aside part his income for their college education.

Jim has no problem saying, "I love you" to his boys. He says it all the time. But Jim is almost always too busy for his boys. Jim's boys wish he would spend time with them, but his answer is always, "next year, when things calm down" Problem is, next year never comes. But he always tells his boys he loves them.

Mark doesn't say "I love you". Question #1: Does this mean Mark doesn't love his boys? Question #2: Do Mark's boys wonder if he loves them?

Jim always says "I love you". Question #3: Does this mean Jim loves his boys? Question #4: Do Jim's boys wonder if he loves them?

You may disagree, but my answers are No, No, No, Yes.

The point is: love is dead without actions to support it. Also, this is a classic case where "actions speak louder than words". If a law was somehow passed that made "I love you" forbidden to be spoken in the States, I honestly believe people would still know exactly how much they are loved and by who, through actions and how they are treated day to day.

All that said, I don't begrudge people saying it. I say it myself to my wife and kids (not everyday, but sometimes). But there is a warning flag in what I'm saying above. Some people say "I love you" but their behavior doesn't back it up. We all know people like this. To me, that's not love, that's fooling yourself.

Similarly, I have a problem with the phrases, "Of course I love you" and "You know I love you". To me, love is never a given. I don't care if it's husband and wife, brother and sister, or best friends growing up. True, there are persons who "should" love each other. Husband and wife, for instance. But "should" doesn't mean "do", and people get this mixed up sometimes. As in, "Of course I love you - I'm your husband!" If your behavior doesn't back it up, the other party has a right to question how much you care about them.

In summary, I think saying, "I love you" has the same relationship a frame has to a painting. If the painting is beautiful, people will hardly notice the frame, nice as it may be. But if the painting is horrible, or worse, blank, people won't care if the frame is beautiful. Indeed, they may wonder why it was framed at all.

As always, this is just my humble opinion.

Cheers,

Schro

Schro, I totally agree that your actions are the most important part. Lip service just doesn't equal love. I sometimes ask my kids, "Do you know mommy & daddy love you very much?" They always say they do and I doubt it is just because we say the words. Our lives are centered around them and our treatment of them makes them feel loved.

I do, however, think there are some people who don't believe they are loved without hearing the words. Like you said, it depends on the individual's definition of love.

Thanks for all the great comments!