Where does confidence come from?

What I see in others that I am lacking

Published on March 23, 2006 By JillUser In Blogging

I am a happy person. I like who I am (for the most part) and think people appreciate that. I am not, however, particularly confident.

My sister has always had a confidence that I didn't. She has the ability to put herself out there and show no doubt. I, on the other hand, am always filled with doubt. I never assume to know anything more than anyone else on any subject other than what pertains to my specific life. I don't believe I have any particular talent. I don't see myself as anything special.

Don't get me wrong, I think I am a valuable person and I am not a doormat. I am a good wife, mother, friend, etc. But I see talent in pretty much everyone other than myself. I see the confidence in those teenagers on American Idol and am perfectly baffled. Where does that come from?!

Luckily my kids seem to be pretty confident. It seems like something they were just born with. If it is something that I fostered in them, I am unaware that I've done it. I feel it is a question of nurture or nature that is unexplained.

Comments

BlueDev

on Mar 23, 2006

I agree that it is a tough question Jill. I used to (and still do to a degree) really struggle with my self-confidence. It was a real burden for me. Then, as I had some life experiences that really helped me to grow, I suddenly realized that I didn't really need to be so hard on myself.

I still struggle with it to a degree (though most people seem very surprised when I tell them that), but have been able to develop a pretty healthy sense of self-worth. This has really helped me feel more confident.

So, I imagine there is some of "being born with it" in there, but it is certainly something you can learn as well.

Tova7

on Mar 23, 2006

I am a confident person. I figure the rest of the world is gonna doubt me, so why should I do it to myself?hahaha

Seriously, confidence (being sure of your abilities) isn't hard for me. I think it takes a healthy dose of realism though. I am confident there are things I totally suck at. And I am confident there are things I do well.

I think the fine line between confidence and arrogance is bragging. You can KNOW you are a fabulous cookie maker and therefore exude confidence.....but when you brag about how great you are, its arrogance, even if its true.

Dr Guy

on Mar 23, 2006

Seriously, confidence (being sure of your abilities) isn't hard for me. I think it takes a healthy dose of realism though. I am confident there are things I totally suck at. And I am confident there are things I do well.

That is very good. So what Tova is saying is that confidence is not knowing one thing completely, or knowing all things. But knowing how much you know about what you know.

Trudygolightly

on Mar 23, 2006

For me, self-confidence means knowing I'm brave enought to tackle something, even if I fail, because I can get up and while laughing at myself, try, try again

dynamaso

on Mar 24, 2006

For me, confidence is all about loving and believing in myself. I am very happy with who I am and with the things I can do. Like Tova says, I am also just as aware of the things I can't do but will confidently give them a try, fully knowing I could very well fail or suck or whatever.

I think it is a bit of both being born with it and learning to be more confident. Sometimes it is as simple as updating one's personal appearance or getting a good haircut.

Good article, Jill.

stevendedalus

on Mar 24, 2006

If it is something that I fostered in them, I am unaware that I've done it. You said it yourself: you're a good mother, which goes a long way in fostering the positive.

JillUser

on Mar 24, 2006

If it is something that I fostered in them, I am unaware that I've done it. You said it yourself: you're a good mother, which goes a long way in fostering the positive.

Gee, thanks steven!

Thanks to all of you. I'm glad to hear there are a lot of confident people! I think there are probably things that I appear more confident at than a feel and vice versa. I feel confident about my cooking usually but that's something a am well practiced at. But when I was in school I was very good at playing flute but still doubted myself like crazy.

I do have to work on being okay with trying new things. I think maybe nurture does have something to do with that since when I look back I always remember my dad would simply not do something if he felt he couldn't do it "right" the first time. My mom is exactly the opposite although she has a knack for getting things pretty darn close to perfect right away. Again I see myself like my dad and my sister like my mom.

Dynosoar

on Mar 24, 2006

It's a nature and nurture thing for sure.

Positive reinforcement from my parents, teachers, etc in my youth certainly helped to foster a positive self image, and naturally boosted my confidence throughout my life.

It's almost like the Half empty/half full comparison; self doubt and a lack of confidence can shed a negative light on any endeavor, whereas a positive and confident attitude will allow you to look at failure as nothing more than a life lesson on the road to your ultimate success.

Or, as my old CO once put it;

The best Major League players get on base less than 40% of the time!
In baseball you have to have the confidence to walk up to the plate, not nessesarily getting on base, because the odds are against you, but the confidence to try again and again.

( Jesh, can you tell I'm taking a class on motivational counseling)

garsgolfer

on Mar 24, 2006

Some people are born with a manner that resembles confidence, yet to be tested. However, high self esteem guides the process largely, and if not developed early on, judgment, which affects confidence, is less likely to be learned.

Having high-self-esteem is preferred, but it too has negatives associated. The positive is a known relationship to initiative, happiness and makes people more apt to speak up in groups, to criticize, and show a willingness to take on challenges that others pass on for fear of failure, which is tied to low self-esteem.

Confidence is learned from taking initiative; hence, it’s relationship to high self-esteem and believing in one’s own views. By taking the initiative, one is faced with using judgment to handle challenges, and when positive results are reached derives satisfaction. In addition, failing plays a key roll in confidence and with one’s self esteem; it can build upon success or foster further fears leading to quitting. High self-esteem contributes to confidence, which also contributes to one’s ability to repeatedly try until the desired result is reached. The more this process is faced with positive results, the more one’s confidence in their judgment grows. The more diverse the challenges are with positive outcomes, the broader one’s confidence becomes.

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