The adventures of Mommy woman
Death at school
Published on March 21, 2006 By JillUser In Blogging

A family at our school has just experienced any parent's worst nightmare.  Their fourth grade son lost his battle with cancer.  Two years ago they discovered a tumor in his brain.  He spent those two years in treatment after treatment.  The cancer spread into his spine and he passed away last night just before midnight.

I am part of our schools fan out system.  I am in charge of calling a list of families when something big happens at school.  I got the call at 7:30 this morning to contact families and let them know there will be grief counselors at school.

My 3rd grader knew this boy.  At Christmas time he came home from break and said "Andrew might not come back after Christmas."  The look in his eyes told me exactly what that meant.

My Alex is a very bright kid.  He started asking questions like "Is cancer hereditary?"  "Is cancer contagious?"  "What exactly is cancer?"  I answered them all to the best of my knowledge knowing that my answers wouldn't be all that comforting.  And he said exactly what I was thinking "It just isn't fair".

I don't know how Andrew's family have managed during this difficult time.  I can't begin to understand the grief they must be feeling.  I only hope that the outpouring of love they are receiving from our school and community is a comfort in any small way.  And I hope and pray none of you reading this ever have to go through anything like this.


Comments
on Mar 21, 2006
I'm so sorry. It's always hard when a child so young passes away. That happened at my mothers school where she is a teacher. A little girl who had been battleing cancer for a long time died about a year ago. That was a huge blow to the entire community, because she had come to represent hope and life through difficulty for the school. I'm sorry to hear about that family's loss.
on Mar 21, 2006
she had come to represent hope and life through difficulty for the school


That is what Andrew was for our school. I've been reading the tributes left to him on his website today. He got over 130 messages this morning.
on Mar 21, 2006
My heart goes out to his parents and your community for this loss.
on Mar 22, 2006
Our school's website gave an update that Andrew will be having a "kid friendly" funeral on Saturday. I'm not sure how to make a funeral for a 4th grader "friendly" for anyone. I am sure there will be a huge attendance though. If my kids want to go, I'll take them but I certainly won't force them. I know a couple of moms who are doing that and I think it is a huge mistake. It is an open casket affair and I think it will be far too traumatic for any child who doesn't feel ready for that.
on Mar 22, 2006
It is an open casket affair and I think it will be far too traumatic for any child who doesn't feel ready for that.


I agree with you here. I think it's wise hold back a bit. Depending on the kid, this could open up a whole new can of problems for the kids that see this. I remember having bad nightmares as a kid after watching a scary movie. Once in my head, I couldn't get it out. It was quite traumatic for me at the time. I was in 3rd-4th grade at the time..... and it was just a movie.

Maybe that's why I was so protective with my own kids as to what they saw and heard. I remember a song with the words that said..."be careful little eyes what you see; be careful little ears what you hear." I did my best to make sure they didn't have these types of nightmares and as far as I know they never did.
on Mar 22, 2006
Depending on the kid, this could open up a whole new can of problems for the kids that see this.


Yeah, I was traumatized enough when I saw my friend in high school die from leukemia. Even as an adult, I'm not sure I could handle seeing that little boy, so close in age to mine, in a casket. I would have to be strong for my kids if they wanted to go but if they don't, I think we will all be better off.
on Mar 22, 2006
I've never let my girl attend a funeral. I didn't think that she could handle it, and felt that (at the time and age) she shouldn't have been able to handle it. However, any person who we've known who has passed away, she didn't know well.
on Mar 22, 2006
There are no words of wisdon or comfort that I can offer either to you, Jill or to the parents of that little man. All I can say is that I'm sorry for you and their loss.

I'm all for kid friendly funerals - I think that it's necessary for them to be able to participate and will help a lot of them say goodbye to their friend. However, I'm not entirely sure that an open casket is such a good idea. If it were 6th or 7th graders I'd be more comfortable, but these are 3rd and 4th graders - I just think it's a bad idea.

He's free from all his pain now, Jill. His soul has been released and he's on his way to Nirvana.....

If you get the chance, would you please pass on my condolences and this poem to his family?

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousands winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there. I did not die.

He's only ever a thought away......
on Mar 24, 2006

Alex was certain he didn't want to go.  I heard that Andrew is wearing his school T-shirt.  It's the same shirt Alex often wears.  I am pretty certain I couldn't have handled that. 

I was in tears today when I approached the school to pick up my kids and the automated sign said "Andrew, We love you".  I'm crying even as I type it.

The school has done an outstanding job of dealing with the loss.  Andrew's hospice provided an information sheet for dealing with grief.  It also included a list of "Phrases families find comforting" and "Phrases families don't find helpfu".  Among the ones that were considered not helpful were:

This is God's will

This is not ours to understand

He/she is in a better place now

Among the top comforts were sharing stories of the child and just being there or saying a simple "I'm sorry".

I do agree that at least he is no longer in pain.  But his family's pain will never end.  The thought alone of losing one of my children is enough to make me feel ill and bring me to tears.  I can't even wrap my brain around the reality of it.  My heart just aches.

Alex asked me today "Mommy, why does cancer happen to such nice people?"  I told him I simply didn't know.  I wonder that myself all the time. 

Gotta go cry now.

on Mar 24, 2006
Losing someone is never easy, though losing a child is perhaps the roughest thing a parent may face, and losing a friend or playmate is something that is very tough on a young person.

I hope the children that knew this individual make peace with their loss soon, and hope that the family is greatly consoled by the show of support that will obviously be there for them.


on Mar 25, 2006
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there. I did not die.

He's only ever a thought away......


Like sentiments expressed at my grandson's grave.
on Mar 25, 2006
I'm so sorry to hear all this Jill. It's a heartbreaker I know. My nephew died at 3 months old. A hole in his heart at birth and he was operated on and died on the table. it was awful. My SIL was numb. At the funeral looking at that little white casket was unbearable. His big brother, all of three, was wailing in the background wanting his little brother.

I remember Errin saying that her arms literally ached for wanting to hold him.

I came home from that funeral, gave my little boys an extra long hug and I remember being so thankful I could do this still.

(((((((J)))))))
on Mar 25, 2006
Thank you so much KFC. I know what you mean about hugging your boys and being thankful. I do that all the time but have felt compelled to just squeeze them and never let them go.